And the Light Goes Out
by LifeBlossoms.LikeCherries
Summary: one-shot; "one minute he's there and the next, gone. it's not something you really register at first. he was just talking to the kid, so he can't be dead, right? wrong." - dally handling johnny's death - T for language and violence.


you know that you're supposed to be resting at the hospital but, honestly, you don't give a shit what the doctors say. johnny would never be in this mess, with a broken back, struggling to breath, every second in agonizing pain, if not for those socs. they deserve to die, because it's not just johnny they've hurt. and it won't stop soon unless somebody does something about it. so, when the nurse won't let you leave, you change her mind with two-bit's switch in your hand and your gun in your waistband.

(you're ready to do some damage to some socs. you guess that the rumble has already started, but that doesn't matter, because it won't end until you've made an appearance.)

once you make arrive, punches are thrown, and you hate that you can't do much with only one arm, but ponyboy - surprisingly - helps you out. once the socs run - fucking cowards - you grab ponyboy and take him to the hospital because you're worried about johnny. when you get there, the doctor tells you he's dying - and you almost can't handle it. but then you don't believe it. johnny's strong, he's survived a lot. he could handle this, for sure.

(he doesn't even care that you won, that you pummeled the socs. in fact, he's upset. you don't really get it - fighting's all you could do to stop the socs, and there's nothing wrong with fighting - but johnny wasn't having it. he sure did like being a hero, though.)

one minute he's there and the next, gone. it's not something you really register at first. he was just talking to the kid, about some poetic shit, so he can't be dead, right? wrong. you know, in the back of your mind, the moment he's dead - he goes still and his eyes are empty, like they never were when he was breathing. but it's just too quick for you.

(you suppose that it wasn't really sudden. he's been like a light, glowing bright, flickering occasionally, until he and ponyboy had to go get themselves into some shit. he'd been getting dimmer since then, and barely provided light after he broke his back. you should've seen it coming and, subconsciously, you did, but that didn't make you any more ready for it, any less affected when it happened.)

(who does that, anyway? you're greasers, not upstanding citizens. not angels sent from heaven. not heroes. you don't run into burning churches to save some stupid kids you don't even know, so why did he?)

you don't really know where you're going. just _away._ away from the hospital that smells like death and the people that are alive instead of him and the park where everything went to shit. away from johnny. you end up in some store and decide to mess up something, to ruin someone else's life, so it's not just your own that's falling apart.

(falling apart, broken beyond repair. same thing, right?)

if only your gun was loaded. then you could've really done some damage. as it is, you just stole some cash and are wandering around, completely sober but out of it as if you were completely blitzed. you decide you need to tell someone because you're in deep shit now - you can hear the sirens - so you stumble to a phone booth and call darry to tell him how you fucked up. he says he'll help, so you go to meet him at the vacant lot. you run there, thinking that, maybe, things can work out okay without johnny.

(you know they can't. he was the only thing in this world you ever loved, and now he was gone. what are you supposed to do about it?)

you don't really think much about going in the right direction - it's natural enough to you - and you just focus on running to try and distract from what happened. you want someone to blame.

(you don't know whose fault this is. is it darry's, for getting so angry he snapped? or ponyboy's, for overreacting at one hit that comes as an occupational hazard for most in this neighborhood? maybe johnny's, for going and killing that soc. or are the socs at fault, for causing all of this just for kicks - beating up greasers left and right just for fun, for something to do?)

(most of all, you blame yourself. when johnny first got jumped, you didn't go smash that soc's head in like you should've. you left johnny and ponyboy at the nightly double when you should've stayed. you gave them the heater and the money and told them where to go. you went back to the church and didn't make sure that there weren't lit cigarettes on the ground - hell, the one that started the fire could've been yours, for all you know. you didn't stop johnny from going and saving those kids. you didn't get him out soon enough.)

when you get to the lot, you see darry, along with the others, running up. you also notice that the fuzz are getting closer - you can see the red and blue lights now. you stop in the middle of the lot, realizing you're surrounded. you also realize something else: you want to die. you just lost everything that matters. now what was there to live for? nothing. right now, all you want is to die. you want it to be over and done with. now, you're not real big on religion, but the chance of seeing johnny again - however small - after you die is a whole lot better than living in the hell hole without him. you turned hard to survive, but it's not worth it anymore. you get an idea and pull out your heater - the fuzz don't know it's not loaded, so it's like open season on you.

as the shots are fired, you figure out that this is exactly how everyone knew you were going to die: young, dramatically, out with a _bang_. your lousy father knew it, darry knew it, ponyboy knew it, even you knew it. but you had johnny to live for. now that you don't, what else is there to do with your life?

(right before the first bullet hits you, you smile. this is what you want. you can almost see the end.)

_(and the light goes out.)_


End file.
